Let Go or Be Dragged: Why Holding On Is Holding You Back

There’s an old story about a fisherman escaping the grind of city life.

As he relaxed by the water, a businessman asked, “Why are you fishing here? Why not build a fleet, start a company, and make millions?”

The fisherman, unfazed, replied, “And what would I do after that?”

The businessman smirked, “Then you can retire and spend your days fishing.”

The fisherman smiled, glanced at his line, and said, “But that’s exactly what I’m doing now.”

Now, I'll let you in on half of a secret.

Most people never realize it, but once you do, it changes everything.

It’s the key to real freedom, real peace, and—to be honest—real happiness.

Ready?

Here’s the first half.

The more you try to control life, the more it controls you.

Sounds cliché, right?

But ask yourself this. How much of your stress, anxiety, and frustration comes from forcing things to go your way?

It’s like gripping sand. The tighter you hold on, the faster it slips through your fingers.

The second half of the secret to letting go isn’t weakness. And it’s not defeat.

It’s not how to let go of someone or how to let go of the past. Or even letting go of resentments.

It might be the most powerful thing you ever do. And sadly, most people never figure it out.

Want to know how it works? Keep reading.

Why Control is Exhausting (and Pointless)

Let's face it: we love control. 

It gives us the illusion of safety, predictability, and, well, control. The problem is that life doesn't care about your plans.

It's like herding cats while blindfolded.

You try your best to control everything. Your career, relationships, or your crazy golden doodle.

But when you're white-knuckling the steering wheel of life, it's not long before you burn out.

Science backs this up. People with a high need for control are more likely to experience depression and burnout. A 2019 study in Personality and Social Psychology Review proved this.

It's all about agency. Locus of control, a concept introduced by Julian Rotter, is our belief in whether we're the captain of our ship or merely a passenger.

Contrary to what you might think, it's not those who believe they're in control who are more likely to get depressed. It's those who think they have little to no control over their circumstances.

Think about it.

When you believe you're at the mercy of fate or luck, you're more likely to feel helpless and hopeless. This can lead to a downward spiral, making coping with challenges and setbacks harder.

Control freaks feel more stressed and unhappy than those who "go with the flow." 

Why? Because when you fight reality—reality always wins.

A study from the American Psychological Association found that people who try to control everything have higher levels of stress and anxiety.

Here's the problem.

Sometimes, we don't even realize we're doing it. Control is a mirage, and chasing after it is a surefire way to wreck your mental health.

As Eckhart Tolle says in The Power of Now:

The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it.

You can’t control everything—only your response to what happens.

Tolle’s work focuses on the importance of living in the present. That means letting go of your need to control the future or cling to the past.

I like it put this way.

The problem is never the problem. The problem is always me.

The Freedom of Acceptance

So stop trying to control everything and start accepting things as they are. Life will be a whole lot easier.

You’re fighting an invisible opponent all the time, only to realize the opponent is you.

Yeah, that’s awkward.

Take a page from Tara Brach’s Radical Acceptance. She argues that much of our suffering comes from our refusal to accept reality.

We think we can bend life to our will. And when it doesn't work out that way, we freak out.

It doesn't have to be radical, though.

Acceptance doesn’t mean you give up on changing everything. It means you stop fighting against the things you can’t change and start dealing with reality.

It’s the mental equivalent of unclenching your jaw after a long day.

A friend once told me something I will never forget. It turns out it was Nietzsche, but that's beside the point.

This is what he told me.

When you fight a thing, you tie yourself to it. When you accept a thing, you can move past it.- Friedrich Nietzsche

So, do yourself a favor and stop trying to fight reality—accept it, and you’ll feel a lot lighter.

Toxic Friends You Need to Let Go Of (and How)

Now let’s get into some real talk. Toxic friends (and family).

Yep, the people who suck the life out of you like emotional vampires. You know who I’m talking about.

The ones who drain your energy. Bring unnecessary drama. The ones that make you wonder why you agreed to meet up for coffee.

Toxic friendships are like hugging a cactus and wondering why you keep getting poked.

Maybe you feel like you have to hold on to them out of loyalty or guilt. But honestly, if these people are doing more harm than good, it's time to Marie Kondo them out of your life.

If you don't know who she is, Mari Kondo is a Japanese organization guru. She believes everything should bring you joy. Including your sock drawer—so if your socks aren't happy, they gotta go!

But back to real talk. If people in your life don’t spark joy, let ‘em go.

Here’s the Don Miguel Ruiz twist: in The Four Agreements, one of the core tenets is not taking things personally.

Toxic friends will often project their insecurities and issues onto you. Instead of absorbing that negativity like a sponge, realize it’s not about you.

You can let them go guilt-free.

Cutting ties doesn’t have to be a dramatic scene worthy of a Netflix series. It can be as simple as fading away.

Invest time in uplifting relationships.

It’s not selfish; it’s self-care.

Letting Go of Perfectionism: Because Nobody Cares That Much Anyway

Let’s talk about the “Subtle Brag-a-Saurus.”

You know the type—casually dropping hints about their latest accomplishments. Then pretends to downplay them.

They’ll say, “I’m just so lucky to have been recognized for my amazing work. I guess the award just fell into my lap!”

Meanwhile, they’re basking in the glow of their achievements. Like they climbed Mount Everest while carrying a toddler on their back.

Here’s some freeing news: nobody cares that much.

And I mean that in the nicest way possible.

Nobody is as obsessed with your work, your appearance, or your success as much as you are.

Brené Brown, in The Gifts of Imperfection, says it best:

Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best. It is the belief that if we do things perfectly and look perfect, we can avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame.

Spoiler alert: you can’t.

What you can do is embrace your imperfections and realize that it’s through the cracks that the light gets in.

Sunlight is the best disinfectant, right?

Real success comes from showing up, doing the work, and being okay with the fact that it won’t be flawless.

In fact, it’s your authenticity and vulnerability that make you relatable and impactful.

Forgiveness: The Ultimate Power Move

Forgiveness gets a bad rap.

People think forgiving means you’re weak or that you’re letting someone off the hook.

Nope.

Forgiveness is the ultimate power move because it frees you.

When you hold onto grudges, it’s like drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick.

Forgiveness is for your own peace of mind.

Holding onto resentment ties you to the very thing (or person) you want to get away from—free rent in your head and all that.

But when you let go of that resentment, you're the one who keeps the rent money.

David R. Hawkins' Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender says negative emotions like anger and resentment are stored in the body.

This leads to stress and physical illness.

Forgiveness, on the other hand, frees you up to live healthier and happier.

So, forgiveness is just good science.

Think about it this way: forgiveness doesn’t mean what happened was okay.

It just means you won’t let it control your happiness anymore.

You're the one in charge now, not the past.

Practical Steps to Let Go Like a Pro

Alright, so you’re convinced.

Letting go is the way to freedom, peace, and maybe even better sleep.

But how do you actually do it?

Here’s where we get practical:

Mindfulness.

Meditation and mindfulness are great tools for letting go. Staying present helps you observe thoughts without getting sucked in.

When a toxic thought about control or resentment pops up, acknowledge it, and let it float away like a cloud.

This approach comes straight out of Eckhart Tolle’s playbook in The Power of Now.

Journaling

Putting your thoughts on paper has a weird way of making them less scary. You get a chance to process emotions. Then, they aren't stuck in your head, where they breed stress.

Brené Brown swears by the power of vulnerability and journaling. It is an excellent way to get in touch with your true feelings.

Especially if you don't have someone to talk to about them.

Gratitude

When you’re grateful for what you already have, you stop feeling the need to control everything. Research shows that practicing gratitude can increase happiness and decrease depression.

Gratitude is like a mental reset button. It reminds you that not everything is a dumpster fire; even if it is, you still have some marshmallows to toast.

Connection

Build meaningful connections with inspiring and supportive people. Those that encourage personal growth and positive change.

Share your genuine thoughts and feelings with companions to foster honesty and trust. This frees you.

Don't carry the weight of silence. A secret kept in the dark grows and becomes more harmful. Once you expose it to the light, it loses its power.

We are only as sick as our secrets-Stephen King

Embrace authentic communication and mutual support to elevate yourself and others to greater heights.

Conclusion: Let Go and Level Up

Here's the second half of that secret.

Letting go isn’t about giving up.

It’s about giving yourself permission.

Permission to live without unnecessary stress, toxic relationships, or self-imposed perfectionism.

It's about accepting that life is messy, and that’s okay.

As Mark Manson would say, it's about giving fewer f*cks about the stuff that doesn't matter.

Let go of the need to control and fix. Save that space for what truly does matter.

It makes room for peace, happiness, and authentic success.

And if you're still clinging to control, remember this again, as my friend….oh I mean Nietzsche said:

“When you fight a thing you tie yourself to it, when you accept a thing you can move past it.”

So stop fighting.

Let go, and see how light life can feel when you’re no longer holding it all together.

Until next time,

Jerod